Guilt to the Second Power
I think one of the most universal feelings mothers have is guilt. Most of us feel guilty as parents at some point. I feel guilty for the shortcuts I take when I’m too tired to be 100% on the job with Bean. I feel guilty that he’s in daycare. I feel guilty that I can’t afford to buy him new toys all the time. I feel guilty that sometimes I just need a little break. There’s always something to feel guilty for as a mother. It’s just part of the ride. I think the best we can hope for in that department is that the good we do each day outweighs the things we feel guilty for.
But that’s such a low standard to have.
And now I feel guilty again.
SEE WHAT I MEAN?!?!?
I am officially twelve weeks pregnant now. The New Guy barely has all his fingers and toes yet and I’m already feeling the guilt increase exponentially by child. The problem with feeling guilty about an unborn wee one though is that I can’t really do too much to compensate for the guilt. I can’t spend more time with him (umm…hello? He’s INSIDE of me…Can’t spend much more time than that together). I can’t make his favorite meal (because he’ll just make me throw it up…party pooper…). I can’t rock him extra long before bed or give him extra kisses (no offense, New Guy…you’re kind of gooey and sticky right now and those ain’t ripe kissin’ conditions…). So, it seems to be getting a leeeetle bit harder to shake this guilty conscious.
The biggest guilt factor for me right now is the care I’m giving my little fetus betus.
My little fetal deetal.
My little fetal beatle.
When I found out I was pregnant, the biggest gray cloud hanging over the whole dang situation was that I didn’t have health insurance. How’s that for irresponsible? Chris was insured through his company, but their family coverage was outrageously expensive and we couldn’t afford it. So, Bean and I were covered through a private plan with a major health insurance provider. That way, we could go to the doctor if we needed, get prescriptions, and visit the hospital (God forbid there was ever a reason). What our coverage did not include was maternity, which we didn’t think was a problem since WE DIDN’T PLAN ON BEING IN THE FAMILY WAY ANYTIME SOON… Turns out, most private insurance plans didn’t offer maternity coverage which left me in a bit of a pickle. So, my first few visits to the doctor have been through the health department in our city.
And there ain’t nothing wrong with that.
If you should find yourself in that scary, uninsured place with a fetal beatle of your own on the way, don’t you worry a speck about the coverage offered by your local health department. I’ve received the same testing, the same treatments, the same ultrasounds, the same prescriptions, the same everything that I had when I had private insurance with Bean. That little baby in there in doing just fine medically and I feel 100% certain about that. So don’t you worry your pretty little head over it if you’re in the same boat.
What I feel guilty about is the stark difference between my pregnancy coverage NOW versus my pregnancy coverage with Bean. With Bean, I was covered through Yale University. I saw Yale University doctors. I delivered in Yale University’s hospital. And I can’t help but feel a smidge guilty that the New Guy is going to a health clinic while his big brother was rollin’ in the Ivy League health care system.
It’s the snob in me.
I can’t help it.
The good news is that with my new job (thank the Good Lord), I am back to regular coverage through a great HMO again and I can start going to a private doctor’s office. My pregnancy is covered and so that guilt is lessening a bit. But it’s still there in the irrational corner of my mind that holds ridiculously high standards for things. Now, it’s just leftover guilt.
Reheats beeeeutifully. (Name that movie…)
Another major source of guilt right now is that I’m so darn sick I worry all the time about the nutrients I’m getting – or, rather, not getting – to the New Guy. With Bean, no matter how sick I got (and it was nowhere as sick as this), I didn’t worry too much with nutrients because I had my prenatal vitamin to cover me. Anything I couldn’t keep down, I knew he got through that vitamin. But now, my prenatal vitamins make me sick as a dog. I take one and about ten minutes later I am violently ill. I think it’s cause there’s already nothing on my stomach and so all those nutrients just churn around in there…and they churn…and they churn…
Oh, man. Gotta talk about something else. Here comes the queasy.
Anyway, I have a doctors appointment next week and I’m going to talk to them about getting on a prescription prenatal vitamin because I’ve heard those are gentler on your system and I’m also going to talk to them about a prescription for being sick all the time.
But then I feel guilty about taking medications while I’m pregnant.
It’s a vicious cycle, ya’ll.
I think what I feel the most guilty about right now though is that I’m having a hard time getting excited about this pregnancy. It’s not that I’m not so happy to have another baby. The baby part makes me giggle and glow and gush like a little girl.
Baby? Yes, please!
But I’m having a problem staying excited right now. With Bean, I just walked around happy and excited. I bought every baby item I found in newborn size.
(And can we just pause and talk about how newborn sized clothing is the most adorable thing ever? I’m not going to lie. I’ve thought about buying it before for Lucy and dressing her up in little ducky feety pajamas. But I think she’s really more of a 6-9 month size…)
(I digress…)
With this pregnancy, there is just so much going on around me that I can’t seem to focus on it enough to get excited. I’ve got a new job, a new house, and – most importantly – BEAN! And that kid doesn’t slow down for anyone. Especially a little fetal deetal. So it’s hard for me to spend the hours I spent with my first pregnancy, laying on my couch after work just rubbing my belly and talking to the baby.
We also are just now getting back on our feet financially and there’s just not a lot of extra cash flow at the end of the day for me to go baby shopping (which always got me excited when I was pregnant with Bean). I haven’t bought one thing yet for this New Guy and I feel a little guilty that I’m not making more of a big deal about it.
Is that natural?
Am I normal?
Wait, let me rephrase that last question before you answer…
Well, that’s about it. My guilty conscious all laid out in Cyber Land. And you might think I would feel better after airing out these things. Journaling and talking through my problems and all that psycho mumbo jumbo…but I don’t really.
Actually, I feel guilty that I’ve admitted these things. What if the New Guy reads my blog? I mean, it’s not like he’s got much to do in there for the next six months. He might surf the web to keep himself busy. And now I’ve just admitted these awful things to him.
Guilt, guilt, guilt…
67 Comments
Betty Morris
As for the guilt I completely understand. And as for the vitamins, I am going to play the “I’m a pharmacist” card. When I was pregnant and now while I’m breastfeeding I take 2 flintstones chewable vitamins and during my first trimester I added a folic acid supplement. You are getting almost the exact same stuff as in a prenatal vitamin and it tastes soooo much better. And from personal experience, the off-brand doesn’t taste as good. And I really hope the nausea wears off pronto!
deepa
That’s exactly what I was going to say! I couldn’t keep those crazy horse pills down, so I tool two Flinstones chewables and one Vicatin candy thing every morning.
Erin R.
Yep, I took 2 Flinstones chewables a day. One in the morning and one at night (in my mind spacing it out was somehow better).
Sahsha's Mummy
Flintstones are the BEST! I took One-A-Day prenatals and never got sick on them. I took my Flintstones in the morning (gummy bears) and then before I left for work took a One-A Day and I was all set.
Amanda E.
I agree. I was really sick with both of my kids too, so my OB told me to take Flintstone vitamins too. She said they are way easier on your stomach. And make sure you get some Zofran from your OB–it’s the best drug ever! It doesn’t really stop the vomiting, but it gets rid of the nausea before the vomiting which is a huge help! I really hope you’re feeling better soon!
Jenn
I also (make a motion? lol) to try the Flintstones. One in the morning with a folic acid, one at night with a iron pill (I was anemic and needed all the iron I could get. It kept the yakking away.
lauren
Yep! Me too! Flintstone gummies are the best and my OB recommended them when I upchucked the prenatal horse pills (that smell uber nasty too). I think I already mentioned this in a previous comment but I was on Zofran for my entire pregnancy. I was worried about it too, but my baby girl is as healthy as they come and ultimately, it was better for me to be on the anti-nausea/vomiting pill and get her good healthy nutrients than constantly being sick and not able to keep anything down.
Looking forward to following your pregnancy! Praying that you feel better soon!
Stacy
Katie, I emailed you and Chris this exact same suggestion! Go Flinstone all the way! With my daughter I attempted to take regular prenatals (which came up shortly after I took them), and then my OB told me to take Flinstones. With my son I didn’t even attempt the prenatals, straight to gummy Flinstones, 4 a day. Hope that helps!
Amy VanHarten
Katie,
Those feelings are totally normal! In my experience my second pregnancy was so much harder to be excited about because of the lack of rest and the other busy child that I was dealing with. Also, with your complete and utter sickness I am guessing you are having a girl. I think shopping for girls is so much more fun, so you can get your shopping done then.
Annemari
I am 24 weeks pregnant with my second baby. Second time around is soooo much different. I love it. I am so relaxed about the pregnancy. In the beginning of the pregnancy I sometimes forgot that I was pregnant, because I was so busy with my boy. Only now that I can feel the baby moving around am I more aware of the fact that I am pregnant. And now I am getting excited. Because now you know what it is all about. I don’t think you need to feel guilty, it’s normal. The new baby will get more than enough attention when he/she is born.
Jessica @ How Sweet It Is
My best friend is 8 wks pregnant with her second and is experiencing the EXACT same thing! Really, we talk about this every single day. I need her to read this post.
Jen at Cabin Fever
I don’t have any kids so I feel I can’t offer good advice. Except maybe you need to find a way to relax! You seem really high strung. By the end of this post I think my pulse and blood pressure are elevated due to the stress! I hereby order Chris to give you back rubs every 4 hours while awake as needed. Nurses orders.
Jen at Cabin Fever
I don’t have any kids so I feel I can’t offer good advice. Except maybe you need to find a way to relax! You seem really high strung. By the end of this post I think my pulse and blood pressure are elevated due to the stress! I hereby order Chris to give you back rubs every 4 hours while awake as needed. Nurses orders.
Cabin Fever in Vermont
Tabitha (From Single to Married)
While we don’t have a second child (yet) I can relate to your feelings of guilt. I feel some of the same with regards to our seven month old son – guilt for not playing with him all day and for sticking him in the play pen area so I can get some work done. Guilt for sending him to the babysitters in the morning so I can work, even if it’s just for two hours a day. I think you’re right – guilt is just an inherent part of motherhood. But it’s a good thing too because it means that we want what’s best for our children and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Alaina
I’ve never been pregnant and don’t have any kids either so I don’t have any advice except to say hang in there…any feelings you have are totally valid, and I’m sure are natural. Hopefully the doctor is able to help you with the constantly getting sick thing. But don’t feel bad about feeling guilty because you are a great mom, and this new guy is extremely lucky to have such great parents.
Ashley
I can see why you might feel guilty. I think it’s part of the process, and that you feeling this way really shows how much you care. You want this baby to feel as loved as Bean, and to have just as great of an experience being pregnant with this child as you were with the last. Nothing wrong about that! 🙂
Bee
Katie, I think you need to cut yourself some slack here. Have a sit down and really think about the amazing things you have done and are doing for your family. The real plus points that you bring to the party.
Sure, there’s a thousand and one things we could all be doing better or trying to make better but what’s feeling guilty going to do about it?
Nadda.
Which is why you can start feeling better, ALL parents feel the same way and let me tell you, the kids will not blame you for any of these things. Maybe if you were a crack whore bringing up your baby whilst trying to score, that’s something to feel bad about. Which health care you chose? Not so much.
You’re a great mum (sorry, mom) and a great person.
Chill.
Katie
You take good care of these kids. And, you’re dealing with a huuuuuge pile of stress right now. You have a new job, you have Bean and Chris, you have a new house to take care of, and you have all the regular life things to take care of. The baby will still be there in a month or two when things have evened out stress wise. You’ll still be able to buy baby clothes and such. Give yourself time to process what you’re dealing with right now stress wise, and then maybe you’ll be able to better enjoy your pregnancy (hopefully nausea free!!).
Sics Wife
Welcome to your second pregnancy! Its a whole lot different when you already have a child. There is good news in all of this, though. First, this pregnancy will seem to fly by since you will be so busy. Second, even though you may not have the time, money, or appetite to enjoy this pregnancy as much as your first it in no way reflects the amount of love you have for him or her. Once your new little one arrives things will all settle into place, you will find a new routine and you will imagine how you ever went through life without this person. 🙂
Kristin
You are SO having a girl!!!
Casper
Hang in there. I started taking medication (per the doctors orders) when I was 16-17 weeks along because I couldn’t stop throwing up. You need to be able to keep foods down, gain weight, get nutrients for you and the wee one. Feeling guilty isn’t going to help anything or change your current situation. Relax and know you are doing the best you can with the tools you currently have and that is really all any person can do. Also, this is my first and while I am thrilled to be having a baby people tell me all the time I need to cheer up and be more excited. That is pretty hard to do when you are throwing up constantly. Cut yourself some slack.
Sarah H.
Katie, (I’m saying this as a medical provider) the baby is getting all of the nutrients it needs, all of them. The one who is not is you. Babies just take what they need from your bloodstream (through the placenta) and I’m sure New Guy is just fine. You’re not the first woman to spend a lot of her pregnancy throwing up everything.
For your nausea you should ask for Zofran or Phenergan. I have a lot of patients on those and they are perfectly safe for the baby (actual Dr’s call me up and ask me what medication is safe for their pregnant patients€”seriously, so I know this).
And just remember bad Mom’s hardly ever feel guilt. You’re doing a great job, and just remember€”this too shall pass.
Katy @ MonsterProof
Man, bunch of people beat me to the Flintstones comment. But I also NEVER take a normal one on an empty stomach. Immediately would revisit. Good luck!
Kara
Matthew 6:27 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to h(er) life? Or to her baby’s life? Or to her baby’s nutrient absorption? Or to her baby’s financial portfolio? God’s taking care of your little fetal beatle and knew that little one was going to be long before any of us where a glimmer in our parents’ eyes!
Diana @ A Little Bit of Life
I agree – you need to cut yourself some slack! Take the medication for the nausea – you could end up with hyperemesis gravidarum. Not fun – my sister had it. My doctor gave me a bunch of different prenatals to try and let me decide which was best for me and my stomach. I do hope you feel better soon!
Amanda
I feel this guilt everyday also. Talk about a vicious cycle. I think I have decided to wait until I can find out whether boy or girl (only 23 more days)before I start buying. At least that is what I tell myself to help ease the guilt.
Kat @ Living Like the Kings
awww I can’t say anything about normalcy or even give advice as we are just now pregnant with our first but I do feel for you. I know you guys will get through this because you’re strong, but I’m a worrier too so I do know how that feels. Hang in there!
Nikki
So I had started my comment off with a story about how I felt the same way when I got a second dog, but I decided not to go there. This is one of my huge fears of having a second child. After having my first of course :). I can only imagine how tough it is right now for you to enjoy anything while being sick all the time. Major kudos for raising an adorable kid and taking care of at least 23 kids that dont’ belong to you! You can do it!
Kendra
Sending hugs your way! While I don’t relate to your situation I understand the word guilt. Feel better and just think about that bundle of joy that will be here before you know it!
Sara @ embrylovescookies
I hate to tell you this, but the guilt thing only gets worse after the baby is born. Once you actually have 2 children there are simply not enough minutes in the day to spend with each of them (and forget about extra time for your husband). But, guess what? Kids (at least little ones) don’t count the minutes you get to spend with them. They don’t compare the time spent with you to one another. Bean will always know how much you love him no matter how much time and energy you have to devote to the new baby. You will have to remind yourself of this daily after the new guy joins the party. And for the rest of your life it will seem like you can never get enough time with your kiddos. It’s just one of those facts you have to accept as a mother.
Also, regarding the pre-natal vitamins and the nausea… please try this before taking another pill to solve the problem caused by the first pill. Ask your doctor about getting the extra iron and folic acid that you need with FOOD. I had a terrible time with vitamins both times I was pregnant. My doctor suggested a couple slices of whole grain bread and a spinach salad every day instead to get me the recommended doses and voila! My stomach was so much better INSTANTLY! Sometimes drugs and supplements aren’t always the best thing and it’s easier (and cheaper) to solve the problem old school, by just eating better food.
Tracy
I think you are NORMAL, completely normal! I will be 12 weeks with my 2nd baby next week and I too suffer from the guilty conscience. I think it just comes with being a Mama. But know that you are not alone in your feelings! I work full time too and my 3 year old daughter is in daycare and the guilt from that alone sometimes feels like it’s going to smother me. But I have to make myself shake off those feelings. It’s hard, but do-able.
I commend you for admitting this to the world wide web…
And I sincerely hope you get to feeling much better!
Meredith
I am not a mother, nor preggo or anything close to what your life situation is right now. However, my mother (wise as she is) would always repeat this phrase when we did poorly on a test, when someone else was having a hard time and doing crazy stuff, etc etc. “You do the best you can”. Of course by itself its not all that insightful, but what it does is give you freedom. You feel all this disappointment, guilt, whatever and you think “am I doing the best I can” If you’re answer is yes, then just move on. No need to feel guilty or disappointed (though you still might). No need to compare to others or your past self because that is not you right now. No need to compare yourself to perfection or an ideal world. Aceept your situation, recognize your limitations, and do the best you can. It’s really, truly, freeing.
colleen
Bloom Where You Are Planted. You are a great mother. You can only do so much with what you have. What you have now is different that what you had 3 years ago. Enjoy what you have now-bloom where you are planted.
Rebekah
I bet there are quite a few Ivy League educated doctors working at health clinics all over the country. Many, many Ivy Leaguers prefer to go into public service, actually. The important thing is that you are getting medical care for you and your children, not where it comes from or who provides it. You’re a great mom, and you are doing a wonderful job caring for your family.
(Incidentally, I work at Y@le, and one of my co-workers, whose aunt also works there, told me that her aunt was misdiagnosed with lung cancer by the University Health Center and ended up having half a lung removed before anyone noticed the misdiagnosis. Sooo…you may be better off in the community health clinic than up here, is all I’m saying. There’s a reason a lot of University employees called it the “Y@le Death Plan.”)
Jennifer
Zofran was my friend the first trimester. Make sure your Ins. covers it because its VERY expensive!! Ask for the stuff that melts in your mouth. I think its gets in your system faster and if you hurl afterwards no worries. Just beware of its side affects…colace will help with that 😉
Don’t feel guilty!! It’ll drive you nuts. As for not getting the New guy stuff. Look at all the cool things Bean can share with him/her. When I was born my mom dressed me in my brothers hand me downs when we were staying at home. Drove my grandma nuts, that I was wearing little boy clothes. But hey look at what kids are wearing now…
Hope you feel better!!!
Sara
Well, I think most of the comments above me have said it all, but one thing to add–Bean’s getting a sibling! I know you’re really close with your sister, and isn’t it wonderful that you are giving that to your children too? You’re a great mom, and everything is going to work out just fine, and no matter what’s happening, you’re always going to find SOMETHING to feel guilty about. Just try to think about the big picture here!
Jen Morris
Man, mommy guilt is the worst! I never remember feeling this way pre-child. You are doing a great job and the best you can do! Bean is lucky to have such devoted parents and New Guy will come around! Here’s to hoping the morning sickness goes away soon! (By the way, have you tried taking your vitamins at night before bed?)
Snarky Mommy
I took the Target prenatals through all three of my pregnancies right before bed and I never had a problem with them. And trust me, I was sick as a dog with all three. Maybe you could try taking them at night?
And the guilt? Oh that’s just another word for mother. It doesn’t get any easier when Baby2 is here either — because then you’ll feel bad for neglecting someone while tending to someone else. It’s really fun times.
But new babies? Oh those new babies make it all OK.
Becca
Target has yummy gummy prenatals…they’re not target brand, but I can’t remember the brand name right now…Vitasource, maybe…? Anyway, they’re on sale this week…try ’em out! I got them because I get nauseous with any type of MVT…never had a problem with these…!
As for the desire to shop…check out Once Upon A Child, if you haven’t already. It’s the same franchise as Plato’s Closet, only for kids and they have great deals on really good quality used clothes, toys and baby gear. One of the best stores I’ve been to is right there in Orlando…on East Colonial! I LOVE this store…I am seriously addicted and cannot go in a road trip without stopping at one (they sadly do not have any over here).
Also…I thought of you when I was at a Once Upon A Child in Tampa…they had a hard candy that was specifically for reducing nausea in pregnant women…maybe that would be a natural thing to try before resorting to meds.
Good luck…! You know everything happens for a reason and it’ll all work out in the end!!!
Hugs!
Justine
Target’s gummy prenatal is by Vitafusion, and it’s a savior for me. I cannot take those horse pills because they make me sick, and I refuse to take Flintstones because it’s not formulated for a pregnant woman. So yeah, try it!
Sarah@Crazy Love Gamble-Style
I too am pregnant and was really struggling with the excitement factor of the newest addition. I think this is the reason pregnancy is so long, it takes our minds awhile to catch up with it all. Even when you want another baby really bad (which we do!) the thought of disrupting the family of 3 is a source of guilt, not the excitement I was expecting. I am sure by the time your sickness subsides (should be soon!!!) and you settle into your new digs at home & work, and as you get further along it will all come together and feel a new kind of perfect! Guilt be damned, you can do this!!
Mindee@ourfrontdoor
If someone were to take a look at my youngest child’s DNA, they would find the recipe for chicken taco salad from a local fast food chain in it. For whatever reason, that’s the only thing I could stomach for about 4 months. Not exactly a cornucopia of nutrition but that’s the best I could do.
She turned out just fine – in fact my easiest baby. 🙂
Trish
I understand completely about the morning sickness. I was sick the entire 9 months with my son. I would take my vitamins and throw them up 10 minutes later. Caleb is now 23 and just graduated from college…healthy as a horse.
As for the guilt..oh honey, a mom’s guilt never goes away..LOL
Breanne
Dear pukey fake cyberfriend who’s blog I stalk even though I’m not even a blogger,
Have you considered hiring a doula? Many insurance companies cover the expenses, which generally aren’t that high. A doula is a woman who provides experienced professional support, comfort, confidence, reassurance, resources, and education. Doulas have the very important role of nurturing women )and their families) before, during, or after the arrival of their baby. I know you have a wonderful husband and family close by (yay!) but a doula is really there for just YOU. I think they are a such great way to step back, let go of some stress, and be able to enjoy your pregnancy and birth.
PS I think you are just great. A wonderful Mom, Wife, Writer, Teacher (I can only imagine) and one that still seems to take time to see the irony in life. Annnd, you kinda crack me up.
Kelly
Mommy guilt. It’s the “mother’s curse.” And trust me, you haven’t had mommy guilt til you go to the dentist expecting your child’s cavity has gotten to the crown stage (left for the last 8 months due to monetary reasons) and return home with a referral for ROOT CANAL. On a 5yo. On a baby tooth. Mhm. (My day yesterday. :P)
And I was actually MOAJORLY P.O.’d when I found out I was pregnant with #4. (I was very overwhelmed at that point. Now I’m just used to feeling overwhelmed. lol) It actally took me months to get happy about it. And I couldn’t imagine life without him, now. So much so, I’m preg with #5 – a fact I feel the need to feel guilty about, and feel like I need to justfy my childbearing choices to everyone. Like it’s their business. NOT!
All that stuff, your kids never know about. THey grow up knowing they have parents who love them. As will Bean and the New Guy.
Kelly
Oh, and I forgot to say – Now is a great time of year to check clearance racks. Then things only cost a few dollars, instead of a few 10’s. And so you maybe can’t buy a boatload at one time, but I’ve found even buying a cute onsie or sleeper is exciting, and then I can take it home and add it to a slowly growing stack.
(Plus, if Bean has stuff leftover, that will fill in a lot, and you shouldn’t need to buy too much stuff. Isn’t that the point of buying nice things the first time? :D)
DeAnna
I can relate to the prenatal vitamin sickness, it sucks! Switch brands, as some of them have a dye in them that causes nausea. I had “all-day” sickness from 3-7 months in both my pregnancies, I took diclectin…for some reason they don’t have it in the states though. I also made sure to eat, even if I felt ill. And to eat the healthy stuff and avoid the sugary stuff.
Congrats and good luck!!!! You will do great with #2. You are doing great with 1 kid, you can do great with 2. My 2 are 16 months apart and I wouldn’t change that for anything. They are best friends most days.
Heather Ben
Just has my second two weeks ago and felt the same way. Have all the guilt but it’s worse towered my eldest and for her adjusting/not spending as much time with her.
Are you taking vitamins with dha? I couldn’t take those bc they made me sick. The regular ones are bad enough. Also b6 is supposed to help with nausea.
Sarah S
All I can say is give yourself a break. The kids will be fine. You will be fine. When I unexpectedly became pregnant with our second one, my daughter was not even one yet. I was still nursing her. To say that pregnancy was the last thing I wanted is an understatement. I cried when I found out and was not happy. Plus, our daugher was so perfect, I didn’t think I could love another baby nearly as much as I loved her. Boy was I wrong! A few months into the pregnacy, I started feeling better about the whole thing and then when my son arrived, well, it was love at first sight and I wasn’t sure how I could have doubted any of it. And yes, one kid always seems to get the short end of the stick the first year or so but I have come to the conclusion that overall it is good for them. Giving your kids everything they want seems to raise undesirable adults. I think us Mama’s really have to go easy on ourselves. We can’t be perfect, nor is it really good for our kids if we are. Good luck!
Katie van der Meer
Im sure everyone is saying the exact same thing but please dont feel guilty. Its actually nice sometimes with the pregnancy going by with less notice in one sense because the time flies and you meet that precious bundle sooner than you realized. My second baby didnt get the same attention during utero growth but remember, in here, as long as they hear your voice, they will be ok. So long as you keep trying to eat what you can, they will grow and be happy and healthy. Once that baby is here, it will be a challenge to find time (two is harder than one) but you still get wonderful cuddle time, they love the toys they have even if they were their sibblings first and they know nothing else. Just love on them and thats all they need.
llewilli
I get that everything is relative but try to gain some perspective. Be thankful that you are going to have two children to love, hold and raise. It’s a blessing that not everyone enjoys. When I am feeling down or stressed or overwhelmed — I look to those that are less fortunate. Their strength and perserverance gives me strength and perserverance. It really makes you think, why am I focusing on the negative when there is so much positive to be seen? And I am sure what you are feeling is normal and many mothers have felt it before. Plus, I think it’s more often the only child that grows up to be a serial killer, rarely the second born. So you’re good. (that was a joke, sort of).
Diurla
You’re 12 and I’m 13 weeks 🙂 I’m also uninsured and going through the health dept, no shame in that. Don’t feel guilty! You’re perfectly normal, I also feel a little “eh” somedays. My pregnancy was not planned so when I found out you know, I was happy but not thrilled and some days I just have to thank the Lord because if it happened, it’s meant to be!
Good luck!
Tressa
YOU ARE NORMAL!!
YES, YOUR FEELINGS ARE NATURAL!!
Second, third etc….babies never get the excitement that the first baby gets. That’s just the way it goes. But those kids know you love them and that’s the important part. The New Guy will never know you wasn’t excited, unless he reads your blog! You are a great Mom, Katie! Please try to cut yourself some slack. I’m sure you are overwhelmed right now, with GREAT reason to be. You have ALOT of new things happening in your lives right now. BUT, you will be just fine!!
Praying for you!
🙂
erin
Hi Katie – I guess you could technically call me a lurker, but you’ve been in my feedreader for so long and I always forget to come comment. 🙂 I so hear you on the guilt, and I feel it too. I think it’s probably normal, or else maybe you and I just suffer from the same brand of crazy. I did not enjoy being pregnant with my daughter (who is just 3 weeks older than Bean) though I had an uneventful textbook pregnancy. I just didn’t like it. I’m proud that I nursed for 12 months, but it didn’t fill me with joy and butterflies every time my daughter ate, and I’m thankful that we’re done with all that. I’m ambivalent about having a second baby (we’ll likely start trying again at the beginning of the year). I was diagnosed with PPD when my daughter was 8 months old and am on antidepressants, which I will be on when we conceive again (if everything goes according to “plan”) which my doctor says will cause no harm to a baby and will be better for me mentally anyways. I feel so guilty about all of those things, and everything you mentioned too. Sometimes I just need a break. Sometimes I don’t want to be a SAHM. But… but, but, but. I’ll keep you in my prayers. 🙂
Lissa
Oh honey buns…you are just one hormonal girl right now! IT IS FINE….IT WILL BE FINE….All is good!
I had to laugh though (yes, easy for me because my barfing days are long over)…the LAST thing you need to be thinking about is buying crap! hahahahaha. Bean does not need any new toys for any possible reason (at least not until he’s 3). And your non-hormonal self knows this: buying stuff does not make a bad mother good or a good mother better. New baby does NOT need a single thing! Nothing, nada, zip! On your way to labor and delivery swing in and buy some diapers. Seriously….you have STUFF! With our first baby (just a mere 24 years ago) I had a wonderful time looking & planning for all the wonderful baby items and fixing up our first nursery. I think it’s the concrete way we have to nest and to process this great change and blessing that is coming to our lives. And to handle the great miracle that YOU have created a brand new life. But you’ve been there and done that. You have been the vessel before and you are more able to put that part into perspective. I think the 2nd time around it is good to be still. To love your son and your husband and to cherish this quiet time together. When I was pregnant with our 2nd child I was so afraid that I couldn’t love the 2nd one as much as the first. You will have to take it on trust–you do! The excitement comes. The thrill comes. It’s like the difference in the love on the wedding day and the love now. Save your money. Save your time. Rest. Enjoy. Pray. Be still so you can feel the happiness.
Sarah H.
Loved this response!!
Dorice
Katie,
I’m an avid reader/lurker but rarely comment. At first I couldn’t imagine I’d continue reading your blog simply for the fact that we’re at two different places in our lives. I’m 47 with 4 kids (16, 18, 21 & 23)… you can see the different “places” that we are. But you are an excellent writer and entertaining.
Ok, the real reason I write is to tell you to let go of the guilt. It’s unproductive and the reality is as a mother there’s always something to feel guilty about. It changes as they get older but it’s always there in one form or another. Take the med for nausea/vomiting. First, they’d never prescribe it if it weren’t safe for the baby. I think it’s more important to make sure they baby gets the nutrients it needs. Plus, even after all of these years, I can remember the nausea and how lousy I felt. That sure doesn’t leave you much energy or enthusiasm for Bean or Chris. Also, when I got pregnant with baby #2, I couldn’t imagine that I could possibly love another child the way I did with my first born. I was seriously worried about it. The funny thing is once that second baby is born, you’ll love him/her just as much as Bean. You’ll have trouble imagining your family when there were just three of you. Rambling done. 😉
Katie D @ The Amateur Librarian
Hope you feel more cheery soon! I can’t say it better than the comments above, but just know that I’m another imaginary internet friend wishing you love & luck. When you start feeling better yourself, everything else will seem brighter!
Sonya
I completely understand the insurance thing! I chose to get an individual plan on my own when I was hired at my school because it was going to cost me less out of my own pocket. However, to even get maternity coverage my rate doubled AND I had to have the coverage for 1 year before I could even use the maternity part! So when enrollment time for my district came around again I hopped on there’s because even if I was pregnant before the coverage kicked in I would be covered from day 1 when the policy started. It’s just so crazy! I couldn’t believe the rates for maternity coverage that I couldn’t even use!
oregonjudy
Are you doing the best that you can right now? Yes? Then forget about the guilt. We all walk through life with limitations and gifts. As long as you are doing your best, enjoy your gifts and accept your limitations. Guilt is useless. It produces nothing but more guilt.
Amy
Praying for you, Katie! I hope you feel better soon. Remember to take your Flintstones!
Nate's Mom
Having had hyperemesis (extreme morning sickness) all throughout my pregancy, I never took a vitamin. (It made the vomiting worse.) I lived off of McDonald’s plain biscuits, jello with fruit magically suspended in it, Taco Bell mexican pizzas with no meat, and crackers with butter on it. Seriously. That’s what my child is made of. And what I learned is that my baby didn’t suffer. My baby had plenty to take from – my muscles. I was a wreck afterwards but he was perfectly fine. Mother nature has a way of taking care of her own. Your babe will grow. Eat (or don’t eat) away. xxoo
Rebekah M.
i took flintstone’s gummies during my pregnancy. I even had to go to a Maternal Fetal Specialist (for a high risk pregnancy) and he said that children’s vitamins were fine! I know that you don’t want to take medicine while you are pregnant, but sometimes, i feel like its necessary. If you can’t hold anything down, you run the risk of becoming dehydrated. This is not often harmful to the baby, but its harmful to YOU and YOU are an important factor in this equation!!!! If a little white prescription pill makes you feel better and helps you to not throw up that one meal a day, it will be worth it! chances are, you won’t be taking these until you are 40 wks pregnant (but if you do, thats ok too), but its important for your health that you are able to hold down food. The baby is going to get everything he/she needs, because he stealing it all from you (much like a parasite, but we totally won’t go there). Please note that i am not a medicine professional…but i was totally pregnant, suffered from hyperemesis for more than 20 weeks, and was hospitalized for dehydration. Good Luck 🙂
Lauren
If you have time for reading “Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety” helped me feel a LOT LESS guilty. It talks about the unachievable standard women give themselves and others. BTW I am 20 wks pregnant with a second child, and have a 14 month old son.
Kristy
I also would recommend the flintstone regulars or gummies and Zofran is awesome. I am 22 weeks pregnant with an 18 month old and totally feel your pain. After working all day, my body wants to shut down even though I have a toddler that needs attention and it makes me feel awful when I turn on the Wiggles for him just so I can lay down. I too havent had a chance to really “enjoy” this pregnancy yet either. One thing that I do though is every time I feel this little one move, I stop and really pay attention and capture the moment no matter where I am. Makes me feel connected to him even though he’s still in my belly. Also, for those that say it’s a girl becuase you’re so sick, my first was a boy and this one is a boy and I am sicker this time around. But I hope you get what you want!
Megan @ Red Dirt and Crazy
I can’t really speak from experience here because I’ve only had the one…but I can say that I think you are totally normal. I won’t speak for every mom out there but I think a large portion have guilt over SOMETHING. I have guilt ALL THE TIME OVER EVERY THING! Which makes me scared to have another baby. I’m scared of the guilt to the second power!! I can’t imagine having it x’s 2!!
I’ll say a prayer for you cause I know all about the guilt x’s 1 and it’s bad enough!
🙂
Megan
katie k.
first of all… i know you don’t know me, and therefore don’t know my heart. i also know that i’m a direct person (passive-aggressive?!? not me!). therefore, i really hope that you take what i have to say with an open heart – i’m not trying to be harsh here!
that being said… i oh-so-firmly believe that guilt is an internal construction (ie. self-generated) based on what we think others think we should do.
this is not to be confused with our consciences. those are external (God-motivated) and are good for moral issues (lying, murder, theft, acting out selfishness to the detriment of others, etc.).
i think it’s helpful to get real with yourself and decide what is actually deserving of negativity/guilt/worry. for example, not being able to buy new toys for Bean… is that a morally right or wrong issue? no. he has toys. i’ve seen them here, even! so if he already has toys, then why feel guilty for not being able to buy him more? what’s the real reason you feel guilty? do you think other people judge you because Bean doesn’t have a constant stream of new toys? Do you judge yourself? what about the other kids around the world that grow up to be functioning, contributing human beings, yet maybe only have a couple new toys a year? who is saying you “should” have new toys? you? or [our ridiculous consumeristic] society?
i know that’s lengthy, but do you see what i mean? plus, once you get rid of (or at least minimize) guilt, you can free up emotional resources to handle other aspects of your life which demand attention. 🙂